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Health & Fitness

Rims, Spoilers, Headlight Windshield Wipers, and Other Necessities... Or Someone Who Just Understands

Deal breakers, deal makers, and figuring out if any of it is really important.

In a world full of explosive-packed shoes, dogfights, and legal silver fillings, there should be nothing intimidating about a first date. Unfortunately, few things seem less nerve-racking than meeting someone new. This seems doubly true when my current policy was “if he asks, you will date him!”

Since I have terrible decision-making skills (where men are concerned), this seemed like a logical way to broaden my horizons. My horizon, at present, might as well be a screen capture of Plants Vs. Zombies … because some of these experiences have gotten a tad ugly.

In my desire to broaden my dating pool, I’ve ignored a bit of advice from someone who, theoretically, knows a lot about love. I’ll admit to watching the “Millionaire Matchmaker” a time or two … maybe I’ve seen every episode, maybe I haven’t. Believe whatever you’d like. The whole show is rather contrived, and Patti is a little off her rocker. However, the nutty woman makes some very valid points.

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One of the things she insists is essential is qualifying the buyer. It’s a technical process, and seems much like purchasing a car. If you’ve always wanted spinners, a station wagon is not going to be satisfactory. She has some criteria that are seemingly common sense, but are all-too-difficult in the real world. Essentially, she tries to set people up with similar priorities, morals, and standards. Who knew these lists of qualifications could be so lengthy? After going on date number 492 (or, perhaps, four) with someone who was completely wrong for me, I decided to give Patti’s way a try.

This was my list of qualifiers:

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  • Age 33(ish) or under
  • Nonsmoker
  • Lives within a reasonable distance
  • Would be in favor of procreating
  • Has a sense of humor and a decent IQ

This list seemed simple enough. I had qualified my buyer. I logged into the dating website I was using and tightened up my qualifications. I was no longer going to accept just anyone; I was going to be semi-discerning! Then, as I changed my settings to be more discretionary, crazy thoughts started running through my head. I had some other qualifying factors in mind, which were far less typical and technical. I came up with a second list. The second qualification list was straight from Hades – the thoughts of an insane woman who remains single for rather obvious reasons:

  • Must not be a Buddhist, unless the man is originally from Tibet. While the Buddhists are a peace loving and wonderful people, I have found those who claim to have converted to Buddhism to be more interested in the pursuit of cannabis than the Dharma Wheel and Four Noble Truths.
  • While not claiming to be a Buddhist, must understand that I really, really like yoga. Perhaps, this fella would willingly go to a yoga class every once in a great, great while. Just as a show of interest, ya know?
  • Has manners and is nice to my mom.
  • Bonus points for having an extended quirky, entertaining nuclear family, just like Meg Ryan’s in Sleepless in Seattle or the cast of Modern Family.
  • Should not be afraid of flying, public bathrooms, or grocery cart handles. There is plenty of soap in the world.
  • Thinks pit bulls are misunderstood.
  • Lives between Eight Mile and I-696, since this is my preferred 'hood, and I'd be traumatized to ride off into the sunset with someone who led me too far north, south, east, or west.
  • Is generally clean, but understands that I frequently forget to make the bed and usually throw the mail on the table and don’t open it. I have some good qualities to balance these out… I think.
  • Recycles.
  • Can handle his booze.
  • Must get along well with the gays, because certain fellas have been in my life for a long, long time.
  • Doesn't think reading is boring.
  • Has a job that I can wrap my head around. Plumbers and cops are fine, strategic Internet marketing sales and installments with an emphasis in digital restoration and analog data analysis, and you work from home, too? Hmmm…sounds rather close to “unemployed.”
  • Looks like, had he been born at the right time, in the right place, he might have once been a lumberjack.
  • Does not own loads and loads of hair products or other grooming tools, but brushes his teeth a few times a day.
  • Can fill in a blank map of the United States.
  • Doesn’t think donating to public radio or television is a waste.
  • Gives sincere compliments.
  • Is complementary.
  • Knows the difference between compliment and complement.

Do I ever expect to find someone who matches all of my criteria? Well, no. Do I want someone close? I would be perfectly happy with someone who simply understood my list. I think that too often people compromise, and settle into a comfortable relationship with someone that doesn’t quite measure up, if they even know what they're looking for. I know what’s on my hypothetical, flexible, and ever-changing list. It’s finding someone with his own qualifiers, a complementary list, which is the challenge.

 

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